Truth bites ...

You were my role model, he quips
Impermeable
Impervious to emotions
Nonchalant
Without a care

Nothing could bring you down, he continues
Consistent
Indifferent to hurdles
Independent
Fiercely in control

What has become of you, he worries
Crushed
Succumbed to melancholy
Lifeless
Washed down

I thought you were in love, he reminiscences
Ecstatic
Transported to heaven
Unaware
Blissfully in paradise

How could he let go of you, he gapes
Ungraspable
Rejection of kismet
Juvenile
The lad lost out

And I …

Was I a role model?
Nothing could bring me down.
What has become of me?
I thought I was in love.
How could he let go of me?

…

Commitment phobia: a bliss or a curse?

While waiting to be seated in an overcrowded local restaurant during lunch today, me and my colleague witnessed a conversation (one-sided) between the couple behind us.

He: (whining) Do I have to make my decision now?
She: (looks at him with raised eyebrows with her eyes screaming out a resounding DUHH)
He: Why can't we wait though? We haven't even been together that long.
She: Eight years, Jeff, eight. It's about time. (looks away to avoid his piteous facial expression)
He: (lets out a helpless sigh) ... but I am not ready yet.
She: (looks back at him with a blank expression on her face)
He: No, baby, listen .. I love you more than anything ... but it's too early for me to decide. Do I really have to?
She: (smiles sadly to herself, lowers her eyes, and shakes her head as if to say a "no")

The idiot (yep, idiot) took it as a no too.
His happiness knew no bounds. He thanked her profusely, hugged her, went to the extent of kissing her, and she smiled ... the same sad smile. Yep, she had given up on him ... and the fool was clueless. hmm sad ... sad indeed.

That, my friends, is a classic example of a commitment-phobic-lova who is blissfully unaware of the traumatic condition he is suffering from! P (my often-quoted buddy), when talking about girls, says that the worst kind to associate with in a romantic liaison is the type who thinks she is high maintenance but is, in fact, low maintenance. Today, after enough research material to back my claim up, I hereby declare (sorry P) that the worst kind of man/woman to associate with in a romantic liaison is the type who thinks that he/she can commit to a relationship whilst the truth is that he/she can't, and the most unfortunate part of the situation is that he/she is almost always unaware of the truth. These types would live up to any expectations that you set of them. They would literally bring down the stars for you if you want. They would paint a picture so perfect that you can't help but get reeled in. They make you feel loved. They care about you. They express concern. They are there for you when you need them ... but it's when you need them the most ... when you need them to commit to you for a lifetime, they faint into a coma. The sad part being that they don't do it on purpose. They are not the malicious kind. They are just poor ignorant beings who subconsciously tend to evade the repurcussions 'love' brings along.

I don't feel any contempt for them ... just sympathy ...

... and, sometimes, a 'sad smile' makes an appearance on my face too.

WAIT! Am I one of 'em too? ........................... and, thus, R went back to the thinkin board. :/

Priorities

Talking about control ... in today's world, everyone is forced into keeping their 'priorities' straight if he/she wants to 'succeed'. Could keeping priorities straight be a reason for the broken relationships that we so frequently tumble upon these days?

I just got off the phone with a good friend of mine who is financially doing extremely well for himself. At 27 this year, he has accomplished what he had set his heart on but at the cost of a relationship that him and his girl had put 5 years into. He told me today that they broke up a month ago on their fifth anniversary. The reason for their break-up? The girl is marrying someone else.

I was surprized to hear the reason because the last I remember of them together (from two years ago), I remember envying their relationship. I remember thinking that this is what I wanted in my life. They were one of those rare made-for-each-other type of a couple. They were good ... very good ... splendid together. There was not a doubt in my mind that this relationship wouldn't go all the way. Upon further exploration, I was told, "I was too busy with my career and by the time I turned around to look at her, she was gone", and the punch line was, "but I don't blame her". OF COURSE YOU DON'T, U FRIGGIN IDIOT! Yeah, that's exactly how I yelled at him too. Honestly, I fail to understand how "Oh I don't blame her" is enough to compensate for the emotions involved in a relationship that the two people involved thought would last a lifetime. Instead of an "I don't blame her", how about a "I am a fuggin loser for having lost her"? She didn't walk out cuz she wanted to ... She walked out cuz she had to. The idiot made her walk away.

On the other hand, I might just as easily be written off as an idiot too for living in a fool's paradize. I might be chided for watching too many bollywood movies. I might be advised that I need to 'get real'. I might be told that practically speaking, career is what matters the most ... relationships are flexible. Relationships can be moulded around what matters more: career. If you lose someone today, you'll find someone else tomorrow.

Ah how I despise that logic!

Maybe I am a romantic dreamer but, to me, if I am in love, it matters more than anything in the world. Money will come any day ... love won't. Career can be built any day. Especially with the support of a loved one, career can fly high within a matter of no time ... but love ... once lost ... can never be regained in the same form. What matters more? Money or ... life?

That's my logic.

It surely has holes but it works for me. My priorities might certainly not be straight according to the realisms of life but I definitely don't want to end up like my friend, S, in Toronto who had to break up with her fiancee because both of them drifted apart whilst pursuing their respective careers.

have nothing in control, do we?

"Miriam's father, John, was the last to speak to her after she called him from her cellphone saying she was all right after being evacuated from the King's Cross station and had decided to take the bus instead."

and yet, she didn't live too long.

http://www.cbc.ca/story/arts/national/2006/07/06/art-londonbombing.html

hmm

sometimes i wonder how i manage to elude myself that i'll be in control of my life completely ... truth is that i don't even know if im going to breathe next second or not. anything can happen ... any minute ... who am i to control? all i can do is make efforts to better my life as i perceive it to the best of my abilities, and nothing beyond it. i'm a puppet with strings in a higher power's hands. he/she moves 'em strings and i dance ..... such is life.

Dependency ...

... has been one of the most feared concepts across all eras ... ancient to modern ... if Shakespeare derided love as a form of dependency, modern day writers don't shy away from writing verses like Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time. I understand that's not the most apt example to be compared to Shakespeare but it's the thought that I am focused on. Nothing has changed. We, as a human race, still fear dependency just as much, if not more, as centuries ago.

The more I try to attach myself to someone, more I find myself detached. I'm scared ... scared that I might end up setting expectations from the person I'm getting dependent on, and those expectations might not be met and I'll be hurt. Exactly what Shakespeare would've predicted in his era: love = dependency --> expectations --> deceit --> heartbreak. Considering that, it's only logical that dependency must be feared if one wants to maintain his/her personal peace. Dependency must be avoided if you don't want to risk getting hurt but is that worth living? Are we not supposed to be social animals who maintain positive as well as negative interactions with other animals in the tribe to survive? Then, why fear hurt, and, in turn, dependency? Why not let others depend on us and let ourselves depend on others? Why can't humans evolve to grow together as a unit as opposed to the current trend of individualism? Is there any genetic incapability? Did evolution fail us?

Whatever the case, I wish I had someone who could say to me that he/she would take care of me and actually make that come true without me feeling obligated to return the favor. I wish I could let myself be pampered without allowing my individualism to step in the way. I wish I didn't feel vulnerable when I tell someone that I am dependent on him/her. I wish there was someone who wouldn't remind me of my independence if I were to admit to my dependence on him/her. I wish I could love someone enough to be dependent on him and not be held back by what he and the world might perceive as my vulnerability. Alas, I know that will never be the case ... but I wonder why? Was I conditioned by the society to be an opinionated, independent woman? or Like I asked earlier, is it the genes?