Priorities
Talking about control ... in today's world, everyone is forced into keeping their 'priorities' straight if he/she wants to 'succeed'. Could keeping priorities straight be a reason for the broken relationships that we so frequently tumble upon these days?
I just got off the phone with a good friend of mine who is financially doing extremely well for himself. At 27 this year, he has accomplished what he had set his heart on but at the cost of a relationship that him and his girl had put 5 years into. He told me today that they broke up a month ago on their fifth anniversary. The reason for their break-up? The girl is marrying someone else.
I was surprized to hear the reason because the last I remember of them together (from two years ago), I remember envying their relationship. I remember thinking that this is what I wanted in my life. They were one of those rare made-for-each-other type of a couple. They were good ... very good ... splendid together. There was not a doubt in my mind that this relationship wouldn't go all the way. Upon further exploration, I was told, "I was too busy with my career and by the time I turned around to look at her, she was gone", and the punch line was, "but I don't blame her". OF COURSE YOU DON'T, U FRIGGIN IDIOT! Yeah, that's exactly how I yelled at him too. Honestly, I fail to understand how "Oh I don't blame her" is enough to compensate for the emotions involved in a relationship that the two people involved thought would last a lifetime. Instead of an "I don't blame her", how about a "I am a fuggin loser for having lost her"? She didn't walk out cuz she wanted to ... She walked out cuz she had to. The idiot made her walk away.
On the other hand, I might just as easily be written off as an idiot too for living in a fool's paradize. I might be chided for watching too many bollywood movies. I might be advised that I need to 'get real'. I might be told that practically speaking, career is what matters the most ... relationships are flexible. Relationships can be moulded around what matters more: career. If you lose someone today, you'll find someone else tomorrow.
Ah how I despise that logic!
Maybe I am a romantic dreamer but, to me, if I am in love, it matters more than anything in the world. Money will come any day ... love won't. Career can be built any day. Especially with the support of a loved one, career can fly high within a matter of no time ... but love ... once lost ... can never be regained in the same form. What matters more? Money or ... life?
That's my logic.
It surely has holes but it works for me. My priorities might certainly not be straight according to the realisms of life but I definitely don't want to end up like my friend, S, in Toronto who had to break up with her fiancee because both of them drifted apart whilst pursuing their respective careers.
I just got off the phone with a good friend of mine who is financially doing extremely well for himself. At 27 this year, he has accomplished what he had set his heart on but at the cost of a relationship that him and his girl had put 5 years into. He told me today that they broke up a month ago on their fifth anniversary. The reason for their break-up? The girl is marrying someone else.
I was surprized to hear the reason because the last I remember of them together (from two years ago), I remember envying their relationship. I remember thinking that this is what I wanted in my life. They were one of those rare made-for-each-other type of a couple. They were good ... very good ... splendid together. There was not a doubt in my mind that this relationship wouldn't go all the way. Upon further exploration, I was told, "I was too busy with my career and by the time I turned around to look at her, she was gone", and the punch line was, "but I don't blame her". OF COURSE YOU DON'T, U FRIGGIN IDIOT! Yeah, that's exactly how I yelled at him too. Honestly, I fail to understand how "Oh I don't blame her" is enough to compensate for the emotions involved in a relationship that the two people involved thought would last a lifetime. Instead of an "I don't blame her", how about a "I am a fuggin loser for having lost her"? She didn't walk out cuz she wanted to ... She walked out cuz she had to. The idiot made her walk away.
On the other hand, I might just as easily be written off as an idiot too for living in a fool's paradize. I might be chided for watching too many bollywood movies. I might be advised that I need to 'get real'. I might be told that practically speaking, career is what matters the most ... relationships are flexible. Relationships can be moulded around what matters more: career. If you lose someone today, you'll find someone else tomorrow.
Ah how I despise that logic!
Maybe I am a romantic dreamer but, to me, if I am in love, it matters more than anything in the world. Money will come any day ... love won't. Career can be built any day. Especially with the support of a loved one, career can fly high within a matter of no time ... but love ... once lost ... can never be regained in the same form. What matters more? Money or ... life?
That's my logic.
It surely has holes but it works for me. My priorities might certainly not be straight according to the realisms of life but I definitely don't want to end up like my friend, S, in Toronto who had to break up with her fiancee because both of them drifted apart whilst pursuing their respective careers.
posted by R R at
4:11 PM
12 Comments:
i so relate to this post roop, have gone through this myself. We really dont get our priorities right when we have to..but then when we finally realise its too late..each one would have grown in a different way and look at life in a different prespective.
Sigh...i told him not to run behind high flying career he did and forgot me and he lost me....:\
By
Enigma, at 5:56 AM
R: You said it. Priorities. At times career and success take higher priority than anything else and most often, it's too late to turn back.
Life's like that I guess.
From someone whos been through it before.
Cheers.
By
Mr. J, at 8:09 AM
came here via Me's blog.For relations ships there can never be a single logic. What works for one need not work for other..So till u know what u want it's cool..Also unfortunately howmuch so ever we like we can't teach others..we humans listen only when we want to..
By
Sangita, at 8:28 AM
wow, yeah that hurts... but I can't believe you are just taking her side. I don't think it is all his fault... Oh and about that love thing, I don't think it is the same anymore. You can love someone so much and at the same time that person can leave you in a second without caring about your feelings, if thats love I don't want any part of it.
By
Mr. Vasquez, at 11:20 PM
In all the human emotions thus far encountered, I have found romantic love to be the most selfish.
In no other relation does a person focus with such clearminded exclusivity on how the object of his/her supposed affection makes them feel rather than the other way around.
We all search for personal fullfilment in a relationship. If we donot find it forthcoming, the lack of patience, bitterness at expectations belied, at promises unkept make us take the unthinkable step. (which is not so unthinkable these days it so seems)
I would sympathise with both the partners in this case. Though looking at the situation with a cynics perspective, I would say...good for them both...for they decided that it was not for them before they gave their relationship a legal sanction which would have only complicated matters more. Or maybe not. Maybe the girl would ve been more understanding in that case. Who knows...we can only theorise. Armchair conuselling.
A little bitta patience on the part of the girl. A little bitta understanding on the part of the guy wouldve mebbe saved what they seemingly so cherished.
Alas, it was not to be.
Se la Vee
Se la Vee
They will hopefully go on to find partners better suited for their respective personalities...who will walk beside them on the path to personal fulfillment. (one hopes). Optimism rulez.
By
Anonymous, at 11:58 AM
first things first, my dear anonymous, you must have a name? heh
having said that, thanks for your input, guyz. this issue really has had me in knots for a while now. to love or not to love. like MLS put it in straightforward words that "You can love someone so much and at the same time that person can leave you in a second without caring about your feelings, if thats love I don't want any part of it." ... hmm how true is that ... no matter how ridiculously 'emotionally weak' it might sound, i dont want any part of it either.
enigma, we def gotta meet up for coffee if u ever visit out here. our lives/likes/dislikes are quite similar, innit? heh ... but yeh, i hear ya ... i can see it happening with me too ... if i ever decide to 'want any part of it' heh ... cuz i'll only 'fall' for these career-driven independent types ... and later on, they'd be after the career and i'd be waiting at home with a thaali of home cooked EDIBLE food. :/ hehe darn that sounded dramatic.
couldn't have said it better, Sangita ... only if everyone could realize that.
Me, I know yer one of those career-crazy types. so Shush, don't talk. hehe
Anonymous- hmm im gonna pass a judgment. you sound like you've loved and lost ... how close am i ? ;) a statement like >>
If we donot find it forthcoming, the lack of patience, bitterness at expectations belied, at promises unkept make us take the unthinkable step.
>> would have otherwise not taken shape.
BUT .. I would refute your argument about the selfishness of romantic love ... yeh, if it's the love that's prevalant in the world "these days" that you, me, and even the MLS live in, sure ... but ideally speaking, romantic love is supposed to be the most unselfish love, innit? I can vouch for it that I have experienced it and still experience it ... too bad I couldn't revert it back. Fault is with me. Not with the love. It's not love that's selfish ... it's us who are at fault. We want to be loved more than we want to give. We are just not happy to give without any set expectations. We don't know how to love. We don't even know what love is all about. The love we know is not even love as it should be. We are ignorant about what love is ... and, therefore, based on the love we are exposed to, based on the love we do know, we want no part of it.
damn i rambled again. shaitza, i should get arranged married. sab dilemna khatam. haha
anyway, i am reminded of two jewels of songs when i think of this situation ... of prioritizing ...
Kishore Kumar:
Hum bewafa hargiz na the
par hum wafa kar na sake
Hum ko mili uski saza
hum jo khata kar na sake
Lata Mangeshkar:
Na tum bewafa ho
Na hum bewafa hain
magar kya karein
apni raahein juda hain
God bless the poets who wrote immortal verses.
rambler roop :/ off to dinner.
By
r r, at 9:04 PM
hey roop,
I would like to refute ur arguments about romantic love as well. You talk of ideal things. Ideal things are ideal only cuz they have no existence in the real world.
If u experience "ideal" romantic love but are unable to reciprocate...hehe...then its not ideal any more isnt it, if at all for the "not" so significant other/s.
I believe that most of the problems in our personal life stem from the fact that although we gave up the geometry and physics of the ancient greeks, we still love to cling to their philosophy.
There is nothing ideal in the world. The Platonic Realm of ideal ideas of which the world is ashadow, is as outmoded as is Eucledean Geometry.
Likewise, if your friends couldnt make it work, then it is proof enough that they were not for each other.
About me having loved and lost. Well...I am 34. Show me one man/woman who has not loved and lost in this time span and I will show you a loser. lol
It is risky not to take risks. You stagnate.
As for my name, whats the need. As they say, whats in a name...that what we call a rose, will by anyother name, smell just as sweet.
:)
By
Anonymous, at 10:10 AM
Hey anonymous,
Name is essential for me to refer to u by something other than anonymous. just a peeve. don't see the reason to get into details. a name would be appreciated is all.
In response to your statement: "If u experience "ideal" romantic love but are unable to reciprocate, then it's not ideal any more" ... just a clarification ... by 'experienced/experience' I meant that I was/am on the receiving end ... I was loved "romantically" and not expected to return the same ... rather I am loved "romantically" and am not expected to return the same. I know it. He/they know it. We know it .. and it works. The fact that I can't return the 'unselfish love' to him/her/them is cuz the fault lies with me. Not him/her/them. So, his/her/their love is still ideal from where I stand. It's just that I don't know how to love ideally. I would want to love ideally though ... but I just don't know yet. I am at fault. I don't know how to be unselfish.
Further, i did state (like you did) that the "ideal" romantic world rarely does exist in today's world ... i've been lucky i guess. so the argument whether we still revert back to greek philosophy or not stands meaningless in this context. so yeh, i did admit and agree with you that idealism is not practical 'these days' ...
... although i must add that striving for idealism (in my perspective, perfection) keeps my life interesting. therefore, it most definitely is a target i enjoy working toards.
To strengthen my point, in your words, it is risky not to take risks ... true, yeh? ... that's why one should take risks to avoid stagnation ... attempting to achieve idealism despite the knowledge that defeat is inevitable in the battle is one such risk ... like i mentioned, it keeps life interesting ... by assisting life in evading stagnation.
hmm.
'n yeh, i guess i only have 11 years left to be branded a loser.
- roop :)
By
r r, at 9:23 PM
as for "they were not meant for each other anyway" ...
sure ... i agree ...
but i agree only cuz I am conditioned to believe the same as well ...
hmm
when something doesn't come out the way we desire, we end up resigning to the idea that it was "never meant to be". hmm. sour grapes, is it?
i don't know.
but since I don't know any different either, I'd join voices with you and reiterate the same ... they never were meant to be.
:)
By
r r, at 9:33 PM
Exactly what I said roop, though taken from a different perspective. I was talking about "ideal love". Not Ideal love as perceived by you. Of course, it is ideal as per your perspective. Cuz it gives you power without responsibility.(there is a slight inconsistency with this pov as I shall point out below). And as for the others, I have to say that unless they are of the masochistic kinds(as i shall point out later as well), there is no way they can perceive their love as being ideal. You would argue, that it is, cuz its love without any expectation of return, Its love inspite of the knowledge of non reciprocity.It is in other words, love as perceived by the greeks. PLATONIC love.(no bonkity bonk involved).
You see,I believe that romantic love seeks physical intimacy as its epitome. As its culmination. I would hence submit, that your insistence that the love you get from them is ideal,cannot be true,cuz even for you, surely ideal love WOULD of necessity involve some physical intimacy(bonkity bonk) at some stage or the other.(do admonish me if I got too personal). I presume ofcourse,that cuz you claim that you do not return their affections per se, you do not indulge in the above mentioned strenous exercise with those who love you but are not loved in return.
How would you differentiate romantic love minus physical intimacy from a good friendship alone unless ofcourse you are an aredent believer in the doctrine of free love(which throws all my craftily woven arguments out of the window). For those who desire the latter(physical intimacy) as a culmination of the former(romantic love), and not get it, and yet claim that they are happy enuf in their state, Ahem, I reserve my judgements.nvldjzv
Name, Nomenclature, Definitions.
If you so insist,
You can call me
Phaedrus(The wolf)
By
Anonymous, at 1:27 PM
best
By
Cat, at 2:34 AM
best
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Cat, at 2:34 AM
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