confused babble

For as long as I might hopefully live, I will always carry along words of a good friend of mine : "Don't we have enough stress in our lives that we try and create some more?" ... A constant want of getting more always follows us wherever we go like a shadow we often tried to escape from when we were little. I remember when I was little and we used to go to our old paternal house in a village in India, I always spent my evenings in front of a white wall that separated our house from the neighbors'. Lighting in the open courtyard was such that my shadow would fall on the white wall when I was facing it. However I tried, I just never could shirk the shadow off but that didn't discourage me; I was there every evening to try and kept trying for as long as I was there. Now I look back at it and laugh it off as innocence failing to see the shadows with me rite now that I still am trying to shirk off.

I don't know what made me run away from shadows then - although I do remember feeling suffocated when I saw myself with one .. especially a taller one. Stress in our life gives us a similar feeling, does it not? Of suffocation. Dictionary.com defines stress as a state of extreme difficulty, pressure, or strain ... Why do we have this undying want to keep our life in this state all the time? Do we really need to turn our life into a melodramatic soap opera? You keep repeating similar storylines, similar characters, same ol drama, and if you skip a few years, you can catch up to it pretty fast cuz nothing much would've changed at all.

Just imagine for a minute .. if we didn't have to live up to anyone's expectations .. if we didn't have to be something to be respectable in the society's eyes .. if we could lead our lives completely according to our wishes .. .. My dad says, "If that were the case, we wouldn't be human. Man is a social animal; he has to live in society and act like society expects him to." ... My argument? Well, I am a woman; therefore, I don't have to act like society expects me to. Jokes aside ... Freedom of thought, speech and choice is the best gift we can give to each other as a part of this 'society' and if that's taken away from you, is it even really worth being a part of that 'society' or for that matter, to be human? I might as well be a wild animal and pee or poo wherever I desire. In this era of anonymity, why do we still live to please others? Why do we have this need to fit in by impressing others? Why do we willingly go to the extent of making our life miserable to achieve something that's rated as an indicator of 'success' by those around us? Are we personally low on self esteem and confidence or is it really a matter of life and death to have a positive public opinion?

If I were a nobody, I honestly don't have a problem telling people that I am a nobody - capable of nothing. Perhaps because I've had enough experience telling people that I am a bum heh. Why does anyone need to know what I did, what I do, what I might do? That's my own personal agenda. True, they "might pretend" to care but as long as they aint helping me pay my bills, do they really earn a right to know about my personal life? Sounds utterly selfish. Highly idealistic on top of that but I live it everyday. Totally relish it too. I ain't telling anyone anything about me. If they feel there is a need to explore for some strangely odd reason, they are more than welcome to try and find out but I won't reveal anything on my own. Since I don't feel the need to share my life with anyone, I don't feel the need to live my life according to anyone either! That's what makes me different ... esp from my family and hence, I am termed a rebel. I am told to go see a psychiatarist as frequently as possible by my loving family (though i don't question them on this one heh). They cannot understand me; boy I gotta give it to them .. they sure try but they just can't. Heck, I can't understand me most of the times. The energy I could be using to productively create something, I use it towards changing myself to adapt to my family which in turn ensues a series of struggle between my heart and mind leading to a lost confused cause indeed - me.